How to handle finances in 2nd marriage...?

He owns property. I don't. I have a car payment. He doesn't. I bring home over $800 per week, including my child support from my girls' dad. He brings home about $500 per week, after paying his child support. My two girls live with us full time, his three boys live with us 50% of the time. We agreed that what he had before our marriage is his (and his children's), and I signed away my rights of ownership on our house (after an argument), since that was the only way he would agree to stay together. <Total fear on his part of the past repeating itself.> I am trying to be understanding, but now I am not sure about pooling all of our money together, since...if he decides to "put me out", he will have the house, and the account would be in both of our names...so I will be up the creek. I want to know what others have done. I want to stay together. I know that as time passes, he will get over his "baggage" from his first marriage, and we will be able to operate "as one". I want to know how best to divide the bills, etc. Do we pay a percentage of the bills based on our income, or do we pay 50/50, and I save some for my daughters? Do we count his child support as a bill, and count mine as income? I'm afraid that if we only pay for "our own stuff" and "our own kids' stuff", that we aren't financially married. I don't know. This is all too new to me. It's not like the first time, where everything is everybody's. It's so complicated.

Public Comments

1. Speaking of baggage, you have acquired new baggage! You now are the proud owner of a "control freak"! Partnership is equal right down the middle! Good luck!
2. wow good question . by keeping these words for each other You speak to my heart When my soul flies like a blue dragon Wise word flows like a river of dreams Covering the land of my destiny You come without say a word And present across the time With your bright gleams You glow like a silver star I know, I'm shaking Or maybe I'm crying But you said not for dying You change a tears into a diamond Like the air become a dew Like a dream come true Slowly I open my eyes Slowly I see through your heart A little strength I could reach When I see my self in your heart
3. I can't relate.... Everyone on both sides of our family has married only once and that has been for life....
4. My suggestion to you is PROTECT yourself and your girls. That means keep a credit card in your name. And keep a separate account in your name. You guys can always have one together. I think whatever he had before should remain his if you divorce and vice versa. Check your state laws because whatever you accumulate together should split 50/50. I would also check him out to see if he has any other accounts that you do not know about. Sometimes you are entitled to part of his retirement should you divorce (e.g. federal govt employees). It's best to know your rights before you ever need to exercise them.
5. If you have to separate finances, then you need to work out a solution that you are both comfortable with. You will need to discuss it carefully and be sure to leave it open for adjusting as your needs and circumstances allow. Be sure that there is no name calling or accusing each other of things that are wrong or unfair. This is not an easy thing, even when neither of you has "baggage." I actually prefer to call the situation you describe as history. Each and every one of us has history. We do not spring into being the day we get married. Although a new unified entity comes into being. This new entity needs to figure out what it can do. It is sort of like learning to walk. When I got married, my wife had debt. She made very little. I made more than twice what she did and I owned a house and had some investments and had very little additional debt. I decided that everything was ours, not mine and hers. We have had some problems and have argued. So far we are still together. It takes work. Actually, there isn't enough left over most moths to worry about whose paycheck paid which bill, but we are working on that. It isn't fair to call him a "control freak." He feels as if he was burned. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't. I am not going to judge him. The point here is how he feels. He wants to protect himself from having the same thing happen again. Part of what makes this difficult is that your individual income includes child support that is intended to pay bills for your children, food, clothing, utilities, housing and so on. These are things that are not easily separated into what portion is for your children and what portion is for the rest of the household. Also at question is the mortgage and property taxes on the property (I assume this is the house) as well as maintenance, like a new roof. He needs to pay for them from his income. Since you have a place to live and are not paying rent, it would be fair for you to take on a larger proportion of the other bills, in lieu of rent. I think you also need to set up some joint savings, for things like vacations, holidays and birthdays. These joint ventures will probably help ease him towards unified accounts.
6. When the preacher said "and now you are one" they meant in all areas of your marriage. Most likely, you're concerned because you were burnt with your first marriage. Your best solution is to ultimately have one checking account which pays for the bills for your family (husband, wife, kids - everyone). You need to talk to your husband about this. Let him know what your concerns are and take small steps if necessary. Scott....
7. I know the traditional view of marriage is that you have to "marry" all parts of your life, including your finances. But, as an attorney, I know more and more second-timers keeping their finances separate. This arrangement can be especially advantageous when you have a lot of outside concerns, like debt, child support payments, etc. Try to keep your emotions out of it as best you can. If a separate arrangement works best for the two of you, don't let traditional hangups get in the way.